A Christian Reflection on Affairs: For The One Who Had (Or Is Contemplating) The Affair

Jun 03, 2025

By Iris Lennox

To the Christian reading this today, perhaps you’re in an affair right now (like I was for six months), or you’re thinking about starting one, or you’ve just walked away and are drowning in confusion and shame. This message is for you. Affairs do not just happen in the world "out there." They happen in the lives of people who love Jesus, who know better, and who feel torn between conviction and craving.

This is not written to condemn you. It is written to remind you of what Scripture says: adultery is not simply a mistake. It’s a sin that carries real and devastating consequences. The world may tell you to "follow your heart," yet God's Word tells you to guard it (Proverbs 4:23). When desire is allowed to blossom into sin, it brings death to everything it touches (James 1:15).

For me, while I was in the midst of the affair, I was so focused on my affair partner (AP), so eager to escape the difficulty in which my husband and I were mired (which I’ve written about here), and so quick to justify the “specialness” of the connection between my AP and me, that I gladly stuffed any and all feelings of guilt, shame, or conviction. In fact, right as I stepped over the threshold into the affair, I looked up at God and said, “I told you this was all too much.” By “all this,” I meant the turmoil in which I found myself before the AP invited me out for a drink.

It wasn’t until about six months after the affair ended that I heard one of my favorite Christian podcasters describe the danger of rebellion against God. That was the moment I finally saw the full weight of my decision to enter into the affair and the real danger I had been living in the whole time.

It’s harder to focus on the truth when you’re in the thick of it. Probably because you don’t want to. Let’s not overspiritualize it. We tend to be myopic, self-focused, and we want what we want. Don’t worry, we’re not alone in noticing this unfortunate mortal coil:

“No one can serve two masters” (Matthew 6:24).

“He who chases two rabbits catches none.” - Friedrich Nietzsche

“Purity of heart is to will one thing.” - Søren Kierkegaard

“We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us… Like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea.” - C.S. Lewis

Still, there is a path forward. You can walk away today. It’s not too late to stop. It’s not too late to confess, to repent, and to begin again in the mercy of Christ. This essay will walk you through what the Bible says, what research confirms, and why you need not keep living in the shadows.

If you’ve been reading my story, you may have noticed that I am a Christian and I don’t often quote Scripture in this writing. There’s a reason for that: when my writing was mainly focused on calling for accountability for my affair partner, who was also a pastor and seminary professor, I was being hit over the head with Scripture daily. I was being told to extend grace and forgive, while also being called a liar, being told to “know my place,” to be quiet, and told that I had “no authority” over the affair partner that would allow me to tell the truth. In other words, the Christians were using piousness to try to silence me. So, in an effort not to use the same sword (little s) they were using on me, I chose not to bring the Sword (capital S) into full focus in my writing, until today.

What Scripture Teaches About Affairs

God's Word is unambiguous about the seriousness of affairs. Exodus 20:14 states, "You shall not commit adultery." Proverbs 6:32 warns, "He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself." Jesus deepens this teaching in Matthew 5:27-28, saying, "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

These are not mere rules; they reveal God’s design for covenantal love. Sexual sin is not just a physical act. It is a violation of trust, of fidelity, of the image of God in both yourself and the one you are with. Affairs not only fracture marriages. They also distort the souls of the ones participating in them.

James writes that "each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death" (James 1:14-15). Scripture does not hide the truth that sin always leads to death: death of trust, death of intimacy, death of career, and/or death of the relationships that once anchored your life. Beyond these, an affair can also bring:

The death of your spiritual clarity and the peace that comes from walking in the light
The death of your witness to those around you, including children and friends who look to your life for guidance
The death of your emotional stability, as secrecy and shame breed anxiety, depression, and confusion
The death of your relationship with God, as sin drives a wedge between your heart and His truth
The death of your own sense of identity, as you become someone you never thought you would be

If this all sounds too overdramatic, I understand. When I was in the middle of the affair, I knew all this. Knowing the truth and wanting to be with my AP opened a large chasm of cognitive dissonance that demanded a bridge upon which I could stand while engaging in everything a full-blown affair entails. So, I told myself:

“I’m only human. The Lord will forgive me.”

And my affair partner told both of us, “We are figuring out a way to keep our love and to still love the others around us.”

I told myself, “It’s hard to trust God after everything my husband and I just went through. God knows that and I’m sure he understands my decisions.”

My affair partner told both of us, “You are making me better at everything else in my life. My family is benefiting from our relationship.”

In other words, it wasn’t that I, as someone who has known the Lord since I was a child, and the Lutheran pastor with whom I was engaged in a sexual relationship, didn’t know the Word of God. We both did. I would even venture a guess that we knew it equally so.

That said, I was in full-on rebellion. Even then, my avoidance of the truth did not keep me safe from the consequences of that ongoing sin.

What the Data Also Confirms: Psychological and Relational Damage

Psychological and relationship research affirms what Scripture has already made clear: affairs destroy families and fracture lives. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy reports that infidelity is a leading cause of divorce. Shirley Glass, in her book Not “Just Friends”, found that affairs often trigger severe betrayal trauma in the betrayed spouse, leading to anxiety, depression, and a loss of basic trust in others.

For children, the fallout can be lasting. Studies show that children who witness infidelity in their family are more likely to struggle with relational insecurity and fear of abandonment. The affair itself sends ripples through the family, reshaping how children and others around you understand love, commitment, and honesty.

Children are highly perceptive and often sense when something is amiss within the family dynamic. Even if they are not directly told about an affair, they can pick up on changes in behavior, emotional distance, and tension between parents. This unspoken discord can lead to feelings of confusion, insecurity, and mistrust. Research indicates that children who become aware of a parent's infidelity—whether through direct disclosure or by sensing the underlying tension—may experience a range of emotional responses, including shock, sadness, anger, and a sense of betrayal. These emotional impacts can influence their understanding of relationships and trust.

Furthermore, studies have shown that the environment of secrecy and unresolved conflict associated with infidelity can have long-term effects on children's emotional well-being. They may struggle with forming healthy relationships in the future, harbor feelings of guilt or shame, and experience difficulties with self-esteem. The lack of open communication and unresolved tension can leave children feeling isolated and uncertain about their family relationships.

In summary, even in the absence of direct disclosure, the presence of infidelity and the accompanying emotional turmoil can significantly affect children, underscoring the importance of addressing and resolving these issues within the family context.

Even the one who has the affair cannot escape its consequences. Janis Spring, in After the Affair, describes the profound confusion, guilt, and identity fragmentation that often follow. These are not abstract consequences; they are the lived reality of everyone touched by the secrecy and deception of an affair. The person who strayed may find themselves caught between shame and longing, between the comfort of the secret world and the devastating loss of integrity. They may struggle to reconcile who they have become with who they believed themselves to be. The affair, once seen as a refuge or a spark of life, often reveals itself as a source of deep internal conflict; one that leaves the betrayer feeling split, disoriented, and haunted by the echo of what they have lost and the truth they tried to bury.

An Invitation to Repentance and Freedom

For the one who is in an affair, or contemplating one, there is another way. Affairs thrive in secrecy and shame. They survive by convincing you that your feelings matter more than your promises, that this secret world can offer something your real life cannot. Yet every moment spent in secrecy is another step away from the light of God’s truth.

Scripture calls this turning away from sin and back to God "repentance." It is not merely feeling guilty. It is a change of heart and mind, a turning back to what is true. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). Psalm 32 speaks of the relief that comes when secrets are brought into the light: "I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,' and you forgave the iniquity of my sin."

For the one who has been betrayed, healing also begins with the truth. The secrecy of the affair can convince you that you are to blame, or that the relationship itself is beyond repair. Although healing may be long and complex, it begins with naming the truth and refusing to carry the burden of someone else's deception.

True repentance involves not just a turning of the heart, but practical steps that align your life with the truth.

Practical First Steps Toward Freedom

For those ready to walk away, the first step is confession. Seek out a pastor, friend, family member, or trauma-informed therapist who can listen without condemnation. Share your story with someone who will not allow you to remain in secrecy, but who will not abandon you in shame either.

For many, professional support is crucial. A trauma-informed therapist can help you understand how secrecy and shame have shaped your thinking and behavior. Therapy can also offer a safe space to explore the pain beneath the affair: the loneliness, the longing, and the unmet needs that you responded to in secrecy.

Pray. Scripture says that God is near to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). Bring every ounce of guilt, every flicker of longing, every buried hope to him. There is nothing you can confess that he has not already seen and nothing he cannot redeem.

Not there yet? I understand. I wasn’t either. If you’re grabbing on for dear life to your affair partner, try this instead:

Pray for God to show you what rebellion against Him looks like. Pray for the Lord to send you someone you will listen to who can help you get out of the affair. Pray for the Lord to send someone to force an exposure.

I know. Part of you is thinking, “You’re insane.” And part of you is thinking, “That’s a good idea.” The reason for that is that you already know the truth, and you already know you aren’t feeling strong enough to pursue it on your own yet. Good! You don’t have to.

A List of Scriptures That Address Adultery and Temptation

Scripture speaks with unwavering clarity about the seriousness of adultery and the destruction it brings. These verses serve as a foundation for understanding God’s design for faithfulness and the dire warnings against stepping outside of that covenant.

Here’s the thing: I know you know all this. But while you’re here, you might as well just read them and ask the Holy Spirit to help you truly receive them. Even if you don’t want to exit the affair yet. Give yourself, your affair partner, your family, and God a chance by simply reading these verses (even if you have a bad attitude while doing so, like I would have at times):

Exodus 20:14 – “You shall not commit adultery.”
This commandment underscores the foundational importance of fidelity in marriage.
Proverbs 5:3-5 –
“For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil,
but in the end she is bitter as wormwood,
sharp as a two-edged sword.
Her feet go down to death;
her steps follow the path to Sheol.”
While this passage uses the image of a seductive woman to warn men, its deeper message is for all of us: sexual sin entices with promises of sweetness but leads only to bitterness and ruin.
Proverbs 6:32-33 –
“He who commits adultery lacks sense;
he who does it destroys himself.
He will get wounds and dishonor,
and his disgrace will not be wiped away.”
Adultery brings deep shame and lasting damage to the one who commits it.
Matthew 5:27-28 –
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’
But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Jesus expands the commandment beyond the physical act to the desires of the heart.
1 Corinthians 6:18 –
“Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.”
Paul makes the point that sexual sin is uniquely impactful as it violates not only God’s commands but also damages the person’s own body and spirit.
Hebrews 13:4 –
“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”
This verse calls us to honor the sacred covenant of marriage.
James 1:14-15 –
“But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire.
Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin,
and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.”
This passage reveals the tragic progression from desire to sin to death.

Each of these Scriptures offers a clear view of God’s heart for faithfulness and purity. They reveal that sexual sin is never just about physical acts; it’s a betrayal of trust, a distortion of the image of God in us, and a path that leads to spiritual, relational, and even physical death.

May these verses offer a sober invitation to examine your heart, to bring what has been hidden into the light, and to remember that the path to healing begins with telling the truth and turning back to the One who calls you to life.

A Final Word of Grace and Encouragement

Affairs are sin, and sin always wounds. Yet the mercy of God in Christ is deeper than any shame. You do not have to keep living in secrecy or carrying the weight of a relationship that can never offer you true peace. There is a way out, and that way begins with telling the truth, repenting, and asking for help.

As you step into the light, know that you are not alone. Christ did not die for imaginary sins; he died for real ones, including this one. The healing he offers is not cheap or easy, but it is real. It is a healing that begins the moment you say, "Enough. I will no longer live in the dark." You can choose to repent and follow Him.

You can begin again.